Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
