I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
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