Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Randomize
