The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
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