So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
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