My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Randomize
