My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
I checked into jail on foursquare
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
