you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
