sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
