Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
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