Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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