Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
pop tarts are not kleenex
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
