I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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