I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
