Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
