I looked at my own cervix.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
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