Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
