shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
