girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
