yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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