if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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