Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I don't �care how much you're grieving �a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.�
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
