So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
