My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
