His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
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