In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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