she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
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