i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
