M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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