Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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