I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
