What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
