This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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