at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
