by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Randomize
