i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
i can't believe i had my finger in that
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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