Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
