remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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