The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
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