I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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