I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I have tasted many bathrooms
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