I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
