I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
