the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
