I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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