I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
