found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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