My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I don't �care how much you're grieving �a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.�
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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