i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
This is my gift to your gina
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
