I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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