the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Randomize
