yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
