i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Randomize
