would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
