Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
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